George A. Covington
High Desert Sketches
January 21,2016
Big Bend Sentinel
bigbendnow.com / gcovington@mac.com
Lawyer Jokes are Free; Justice Costs Money
All I can remember from my first day in law school was a lawyer joke told by my teacher, the legendary Dean Page Keaton. He told us, “There was a doctor, a preacher, and a lawyer on a raft surrounded by man-eating sharks with only enough food for two. They drew straws; the lawyer lost and without a word dove into the water and started swimming toward a nearby island. The sharks, instead of tearing him to pieces, formed a cordon around him and escorted him onto shore. ‘ That was an example of divine intervention,’ the preacher said to the doctor. ‘No’, the doctor replied ‘that was an example of professional courtesy.’
Of course there are lots of doctor jokes and slightly fewer police jokes (they can legally carry guns) but lawyer jokes are universal.
The lovely ladies down at Uncle’s Emporium of Fuel, Food, and Fumes have selected their favorite lawyer jokes for my reader’s amusement.
Debby Garcia, guiding light and spiritual director of the emporium likes…
Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Deep down, they’re really nice guys.
Emery Sanders picked this one…
Q: Why did God make snakes before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Her coworker Dorothy Acosta selected…
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Another choice was…
Q: While driving down a road, you see a snake that’s been run over. Further down the road, you see a lawyer that’s been run over. What’s the difference between the two scenes?
A: In front of the snake, you see skid marks.
There were several jokes that I felt were too cruel to include in this column, such as “Are all lawyers bad? No, it’s the 99% that spoil it for the rest”, or, “What’s the definition of mixed emotions? Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ford F-250”.
For a bit of true wit, I’m including a few examples taken from actual court transcripts. These excerpts show the origins of some of the notorious lawyer jokes.
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
Lawyer jokes are free, but justice costs money. The most disappointed and disillusioned people in West Texas in the past year have been my conservative friends who considered their private property rights as sacred. What they discovered was that conservatives with billions of dollars at their disposal can take anything they want in the state of Texas with the right political connections. They discovered the concept of “imminent domain”, which is supposed to mean for the public good, could destroy anything in the realm of property rights. Dallas billionaires decided to build a gas pipeline across Texas’ most beautiful landscapes. They basically told the landowners,”Give us right of way or our lawyers will sue you into bankruptcy.” Landowners discovered that the term “utility” , which is supposed to mean for the public good meant for the public good of citizens in another country and that the beautiful scenery must give way to access roads, fences, and gates for profit.
A group of citizens banded together under the banner of The Big Bend Conservation Association and are still fighting valiantly against billionaires and state agencies that would sacrifice the scenic wonders of West Texas for profit and these billionaires and state agencies all call themselves conservative. The Trans-Pecos Pipeline proves conclusively that our country is divided between the rich and the rest.
